SeleneByMarialyn

The title says it all. I am done waiting.

For so long, I let perfection paralysis keep me in a chokehold. I wouldn’t start a project until I felt like I had figured it all out—the plan, the details, and some guarantee of a successful outcome. But more often than not, that meant I never moved forward at all.

I was stuck in this constant state of wanting without executing, and to be frank, it sucked.

Time was passing. Projects weren’t started. Adventures weren’t taken. Dreams weren’t pursued.

And for a while, it felt safe not trying. Because technically, you can’t fail at something you never start, right?

Except I was failing.

I was failing to build a life that fulfilled the creative part of me that so desperately needed to be nurtured. I was protecting myself from the possibility of failure while simultaneously keeping myself from the possibility of happiness. Because there is beauty in doing something simply for the joy of it, regardless of whether you’re any good at it.

Somewhere along the line, I got tired of waiting. I got tired of being a chicken shit.

More than anything, I want to lead my children by example. Countless times, I have told them, Failure is just proof that you are trying. You’re learning something new—give yourself grace. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Keep going.

And yet, there I was, unwilling to extend that same grace to myself.

I was a hypocrite.

And that revelation was uncomfortable.

I have a boisterous personality, so for those of you who know me personally, reading this might come as a surprise. But I think it just goes to show that confidence and self-doubt can coexist in the same person. You can be enthusiastic, opinionated, vivacious—and still quietly question whether you’re good enough to do the things you want to.

Maybe that’s part of why I love writing so much. It gives me the ability to be vulnerable in a way that feels natural to me. There’s something freeing about putting words to the things that weigh on my heart.

I’ve never been one for small talk. I find it exhausting. I’d rather get to know you in all your complexities. Tell me what excites you. What scares the shit out of you. What dreams you’re dreaming but haven’t found the courage to pursue yet.

That feels real to me. It’s the kind of connection I find valuable.

And I guess, in essence, that’s why writing makes so much sense for me. Here, I strip away the facade and exist in all my messiness.

I like it here.

Lately, I’ve been challenging myself to do all the things that spark joy, regardless of my abilities. I’ve started doing the things my heart desires simply because I want to do them.

I wanted to paint a banner, so I did.

And then I painted another.

I found that the more I created, the more it awakened a part of me that I had kept waiting for permission to exist.

This inevitably led to the completely wild idea of designing and painting 31 Halloween banners in 31 days.

Because it is crazy.

Who in their right mind wants to paint 31 Halloween banners?

And what the hell am I even going to do with all of them?

I have absolutely no idea—and that’s the point.

For now, I don’t care what comes next. I don’t plan extensively or wait for a guaranteed outcome. I am comfortable doing things even though they aren’t practical. 

I am doing it because it sounds fun.

Because it makes me happy.

Because I want to.

And that is reason enough.

Come back in October for Banner revels!